It’s okay to not be okay. - Ashley P.
My name is Ashley and I am 34 years old. Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, I went to college in Jacksonville and have stayed here ever since. I am married to my husband, Jason, and we have two beautiful children. Although having children is a life-changing experience, I couldn’t be more grateful for this opportunity.
After giving birth to Morgan, my second child, I came back to work from maternity leave right as the pandemic started. Immediately sent home, I started to struggle from lack of adult interaction. Being isolated from coworkers, friends, and family was challenging but I didn’t realize something was truly wrong until the height of COVID in the summer of 2020.
I became anxious and agitated over every little thing, be it work, my dogs, my husband, or my children. It came to a point where I would stay up all night worrying about small things that I shouldn’t have been upset about. My anxiety had gotten so high that I was suffering panic attacks, afraid to go to sleep. I ended up losing twenty pounds since I stopped eating during the day, too anxious.
I’m grateful to my mother, husband, and friends for realizing something was wrong. My mom encouraged me to call the doctor and I was receiving texts from friends, wondering about my well-being. I had stopped responding to texts or calling them back, and they told me I wasn’t myself. That’s when it hit me that I needed to see a doctor.
When visiting my primary care doctor, I discovered just how severe my anxiety and depression had gotten. I filled out a form asking about my well-being and my scores were extremely high, which isn’t good. My doctor told me I had been suffering from postpartum depression that had been heightened due to COVID.
It was difficult to hear. As moms, we’re believed to be super strong, able to withstand anything. It's tough to realize that we’re struggling. Thankfully my doctor prescribed medication and encouraged me to take time for myself, be it exercising, going on walks, etc.
To get through this ordeal, I needed to be honest with my support group. I let them know that I was not okay and that I needed support and time for myself. My husband looked after the kids while I went for a walk by myself, or got my nails done. I was able to focus on my self-health and have an outlet for my stress.
Although I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. It was heightened when my sister, Morgan, passed away unexpectedly 11 years ago. Losing a sibling is devastating. The grief, although lessening, remains with me every day. I went back to work 2 months after she passed since I needed my friends, my support group. I talked with both them and my therapist, and it was suggested that I do something to celebrate my sister’s life. I was able to channel my energy and give back to the community.
We started Morgan’s Heart and started volunteering each year at Give Kids The World. My sister always helped people and we wanted to honor that. In every role that I had in work, I volunteered, spoke out about Morgan’s Heart, anything I could do to help and leave a legacy for her. My family also makes it a point to talk about my sister constantly. My children never got to know her, but by talking about her they’ve grown to know her, who she was. Naming my second child Morgan after her ensures that she lives on and is forever a part of our family.
I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away. Whenever there’s a big moment in my life, like my wedding or the birth of my kids, I remember her, and my anxiety flares up. I’ve learned the importance of telling people and taking a moment for myself, as well as honoring her in some way during that moment.
People need to know that anxiety comes and goes at various levels. There are days when I know it will be a Bad Day. That’s when I need to take a breather and talk about my mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and sharing helps lessen the impact. It’s okay to not be okay, to not have a good day.
To any moms experiencing this, please take care of yourselves. To care for your kids and your family, you need time for yourself. You also need to talk about your struggles with mental illness. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but by speaking out, you’re breaking the stigma and helping others suffering as well. That’s the only way to help one another.
